My First Porn Movie

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One Sunday when I was a kid, instead of allowing the Church Bus to kidnap us in order for some psychotic asshole to scream at everybody that they're all going to burn in hell for an hour in exchange for candy (one really did that), we decided to take up the White Trash Man's offer to watch a DIRTY MOVIE!!!

 

The White Trash Man was among the most aptly-named people I've even encountered. He was a White Trash Man in every way imaginable, but was a very friendly and congenial one who actually had a wife that he didn't beat up. Him and his buddy, who was equally trashy but worked in the oilfields and was also incredulously married, ensured that the neighborhood kids enjoyed fun, illegal things in a good-hearted manner.

 

The White Trash Man had, not surprisingly in light of his occupation, by far the largest collection of weapons, drug paraphernalia, and pornography I've ever saw, and will probably ever see. Tons of guns, knives, clubs, etc. Tons of pipes, bongs, containers, etc. And TONS of porn, porn, porn, etc. Videos, films, books, magazines, individual photo sets, you name it.

 

Anyway, there we were, several of us gathered. The curtains were closed, the doors were locked, and the "play" button was pushed. The credits flashed...the movie was called Screwples, which was a parody of a Lindsay Wagner TV miniseries. Even then I knew I was a perv, because I immediately started to imagine what it would be like to fuck The Bionic Woman.

 

Anyway, I still remember being in a state of mild shock as I saw the various ins and outs going on. We started to give career advice to one of our friends present, who was abnormally well-endowed. Just when things started to get interesting (an orgy scene), one of the parents started to explore the 'hood, looking for one of her missing (and porn-watching) children. We all panicked and skedaddled. To this day, I have yet to finish watching Screwples. To this day, I'll take Porn over Church, any day. Don't listen to those phony evangelicals! Listen to...Jim Bakker!!!!

 

Comments

The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 10, 2019 - 3:45pm
You rat bastard! You promised you'd never tell! LOL.....this has potential for another digital tavern. "Tell us about your first skin flick"
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 10, 2019 - 3:55pm
Funny thing....in one of those digital tavern tales I told of Mr. Joe, the neon guru. He was a big porn fan and had an impressive collection of German porn. Being a big dumb farm boy from the Midwest I had never been exposed to such at the time. I had already been a student of German which really only aided in reading the credits ( not a lot of dialogue in German porn).  I came away from the occasion thinking "boy, they really like piss!"  Up until that time I did not know that about die Deutscher :)
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 10, 2019 - 4:07pm
You got bent in your youth and you can go and get bent some more!
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 10, 2019 - 4:12pm
Ah no....you got me confused with JT. I'm just your friendly neighborhood manic depressive :)
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 10, 2019 - 4:37pm
I agree that Freud was full of shit, but that does not change the fact that you are one of the sickest fucks in this place. I don't mean that in a good way either.  I feel most happy and peaceful when I AM on my own. With drugs and alcohol right at my side :) My damnation or redemption (if there is such a thing) is not your concern. Firefights? What firefights have you been in? Are you talking about when they pelted you with Starburst as they dragged you out of that city council meeting? Or was it your bukkake audition?
Leroy Added Jan 10, 2019 - 4:38pm
I don't know, Michael.  One weekend we were captured by a church bus ostensibly to take us camping.  It was a trap.  Some guy preached the evils of sex.  It was very dirty.  For tits, he substituted headlights.  For dick, he substituted snake in the grass.  I forgot what he called sex.  Everything had its euphemism.  It was a very erotic tale.  It had the opposite effect.  It made us horny as hell.  I wish I had the transcripts.  
 
My friend and his girlfriend escaped the barracks that night and had sex on the very spot where he preached and left evidence for all to see the next day.
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 10, 2019 - 4:45pm
Blasphemers!
Doug Plumb Added Jan 10, 2019 - 5:09pm
The problem with sexuality comes from the fact that "way back when" boys would become men and girls would become women around the age of 15 or 16. They would get married then and start making children. They would be horny for a year maybe, between when they started getting horny and got married.
Now boys become men at 11 years old and girls at 10 years old and they marry at 20-30 years old. So people are horny for as much as 19 years, with the occasional relief of a ship passing in the night. In my own estimation, its impossible to go that long without cleaning a pipe.
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 10, 2019 - 5:22pm
You are living proof that it is difficult rev. You know what to expect from me and from the Amazing Avatar Carousel.....and yet here you are. Not doing so well resisting that temptation. Here's a clue for you: you are a baby compared to most of this crowd. If you took the few women out of the mix here you could rename this place the Club for Old Guys Who Still Fuck (or think they can). I'd wager the median age here is just south of 70. You're not going to make converts or change minds. Even if there was that potential you are nearly the worst conceivable messenger for the task. Why don't you go run along and go preach to the seagulls? You'd have a better chance. Take an umbrella.....or, you could do like a turkey in a rainstorm: Look skyward and open your mouth
Nobody's Sweetheart Added Jan 10, 2019 - 10:22pm
Damn! I can't believe nobody commented on how I turned the Rev into a gay Hispanic pimp!
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 10, 2019 - 10:57pm
Thought that was a Jew-fro
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 10, 2019 - 10:57pm
Wait! No! He looks Persian
Stone-Eater Added Jan 11, 2019 - 1:50am
Well.....what's the problem ? When I was 13, my girlfriend was 11, and after SHE introduced me to my first joint, we thought we'd try to copy and paste what we saw in the porn magazine of her older brother. At that time, in 1971, neither VHS, mp4 or any other movie home forrnat existed :-)
Nobody's Sweetheart Added Jan 11, 2019 - 3:09am
Damn Stone! 11! And I thought I was bad, lol. Judging from your porn, you Euros are definitely sicker and grosser than what we're accustomed to, lol. TBH is right, Krauts seem to be into pee for some reason.
Stone-Eater Added Jan 11, 2019 - 5:05am
Michael
 
Looks like, we're their cousins LOL BTW good avatar. Now just wait until Moggie shows up for Messie support, since he's his biggest fan :-)
Koshersalaami Added Jan 11, 2019 - 9:38am
This is the one kind of case where I’d favor site intervention. If you don’t like someone there are ways of handling that and this isn’t it. 
 
I’m not a fan of Ryan’s. We have extreme differences in both our ideologies and our approaches. My objection has nothing to do with the identity of the target. 
 
Ryan, if I were you I would not have commented here. I realize the identity of the author is obvious to most of you though it isn’t to me but, whoever it is, you just gave him what he wanted. There are better ways. 
Stone-Eater Added Jan 11, 2019 - 10:00am
Kosh
 
When you're trashing almost any article by labeling and insulting everybody here (have you seen the list Ryan posted?) do you wonder about the reaction ?
 
BTW: There is a hidden twinking eye by Michael. Maybe hard for some to figure and a tough one, but I see it as that.
 
Moggie just posted an article about the WB "star" Ryan. But finally it's our fault because we (me included) give him too much attention. We let the site be dominated by one person, and he likes it. Because in real life he gets no attention. No surprise there.
 
Note: When you have a wife or a girlfriend, be careful that she doesn't need bitching to realize that she's alive LOL
Liberal1 Added Jan 11, 2019 - 10:12am
Koshersalaami, I don't think I've ever seen a Jewish guy imitating a preachy, evangelical minister's condemnation before.  It wasn't ever on my bucket list, but I guess that's a moot point now.
 
R.Y.A.N. has no qualms about condemning others (as apparently you don't), yet ignores his own lies, bullshit and cowardice.  He is simply getting exactly what he gives everyone else.
 
On another note, is there any truth to the rumor that R.Y.A.N. still jerks off to "Bambi" and fantasizes about having sex with all of the short guys in "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs"?
Koshersalaami Added Jan 11, 2019 - 10:41am
I responded on Mogg’s post. 
 
Liberal1,
I’m not defending Ryan here. I made that really clear. But I don’t think the best way of making one’s antipathy to his approach clear is to emulate him. You just said it: “He is simply getting exactly what he gives everyone else.” As someone pointed out earlier in the thread, he’s the kid here. I’m sixty-four, which is probably fairly close to the ages of most of the guys here. His avatar is young and he writes like a kid, all intellect and no wisdom. He hasn’t figured out yet that humility is important (morally and intellectually) and he hasn’t developed the courage to be open to sources he doesn’t trust up front which means he’s severely restricted his own growth and his access to truth. Limiting his own sources like that means he argues with himself in an echo chamber and assumes for some reason that the validity he thinks he sees is being accepted outside the chamber, but it’s not because we have more sources to go on and know when a lot of his premises are flat-out wrong. Being wrong once in a while and admitting it makes you smarter and more moral, not a laughingstock. God willing, he’ll grow into understanding that. God willing, his ears will catch up to his mouth. 
 
So you poked him. Great. Now he’ll be more convinced than ever that he’s right. You want to play verbal ping pong, go ahead. Nothing like a second childhood for rejuvenation I guess. 
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 11, 2019 - 10:43am
On another thread the rev informed me that he considers himself my "better". I find this curious because, though I am hardly a practitioner, this would seem quite at odds with my understanding of christian doctrine 
Bill H. Added Jan 11, 2019 - 11:31am
Rev - I think the addition of a black moustache with slightly upturned ends would add to the effect. Also, an enhancement of the eyebrows (maybe the "unibrow" look) would also help.
 
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 11, 2019 - 2:49pm
What is a conservative, rev? Define it. Not a dissertation, just say maybe 4-6 sentences. A short paragraph....emphasis on short
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 11, 2019 - 2:49pm
don't all hold your breath
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 11, 2019 - 3:00pm
Well come on rev. you've had ten minutes now, which about tenfold more time than you dedicate to any thought given to the rest of your babble
Jeff Michka Added Jan 11, 2019 - 3:07pm
Lyin Ryan is posting, once again, as his husband Vinny pokes his ass.  That's why all the self virtue talk.   Ryan is douching, Domesday book. Give him a moment while he blow dries his backside.   
Liberal1 Added Jan 11, 2019 - 5:19pm
6) One who does not lie...
 
So, in other words, you yourself are not a "Constitutional Christian Conservative", are you ly'in R.Y.A.N.. 
 
You took the Oath of Enlistment then proved you oath was nothing but a lie by refusing to defend the Constitution, in spite of saying, "so help me God".  That's a negative two out of three, bubba.  I'll give you the "Conservative" one because I don't have any respect for most of them anyways.
John Minehan Added Jan 11, 2019 - 7:43pm
"This is why Solomon said, 'He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.'"
 
Although, I'm not  sure I would cite King Solomon (believed to have 300 wives and 700 concubines), for all his wisdom and faith, as an example of continence.  
John Minehan Added Jan 11, 2019 - 7:57pm
So do we all . . . .
Liberal1 Added Jan 11, 2019 - 8:08pm
9) Understands forgiveness, and that righteousness means falling 7 times and rising up again. 
 
Are you putting yourself in the same category as Jesus, R.Y.A.N.?  Rather blasphemous, IMO.
 
I also know why you believe that it is "corrupt" to point out that you are a liar, an oath breaker and a pretty piss poor Christian.  You have to believe that or else you sanctimonious, faux-Christian façade would crumble down on your prevaricating little head.
ChetDude Added Jan 11, 2019 - 9:31pm
Autumn.  I recommend that anyone who recommends that someone else be blocked or removed be blocked and/or removed!
 
And I nominate this article for Fun Article of the Year...  Setting the bar pretty high...
Bill H. Added Jan 11, 2019 - 11:17pm
I second ChetDude's nomination.
opher goodwin Added Jan 12, 2019 - 7:38am
Gosh - my comment went!
Stone-Eater Added Jan 12, 2019 - 8:28am
Me too. I support anybody here who shows humor....be it a crude one or a soft one. Without humor and having the capability to look into the mirror and say "My, what asshole is looking at me today", we're lost LOL
Jeff Michka Added Jan 12, 2019 - 10:31am
Tmn may be deleting things in this thread, protecting Ryan from additional abuses of his weak, closeted mind and body.  Ryan and his husband Vinny should be really congratulated on their upcoming turds, soon to be part of their growing family.  Vinny is even gonna buy Ryan a new dress after delivery.   His current one is stained in strategic places.  LOL
Stone-Eater Added Jan 12, 2019 - 12:04pm
Jeff
 
Giving in is like giving in to the hordes of MSM exlumitaned people LOL
Jim Stoner Added Jan 12, 2019 - 1:00pm
S-E,  I'm curious what "exlumitaned" means.  Is it the opposite of "illuminated"? 
 
I guess this is about how young people should spend their Sunday mornings.   The traditional American approach is that you HAVE to go to church, or you are prematurely doomed to Hell.  Much as I might have wanted salvation and belief, I found myself pulled away early, preferring a hike in the mountains, or what I still do, watching the public affairs programs.  And Hell has been successfully banished from my thoughts.   Is that the same as PORN?  I judge not. 
Stone-Eater Added Jan 12, 2019 - 1:22pm
Jim
 
I invented that: Illuminati and exluminati LOL
 
The traditional American approach is that you HAVE to go to church, or you are prematurely doomed to Hell
 
But not in 2019, I hope ? I don't know anybody in Switzerland who goes to church except a few really old traditional people. Here, more than 40% call themselves atheist and the rest keeps in private for their beliefs, They say: I believe but it's no business of whatever church, because god is not in a church.
 
The sunday church was a big deal here too about 60 or so years ago.
 
And according to people like Messie we should therefore have a society of non-virtue and crime - but we have not LOL
Jeff Michka Added Jan 12, 2019 - 2:00pm
Church folks here tossed Messianic out of "his" church once already.  That's why ol Lyin Ryan wants his own church.  That way, he'll be able to shame kids into having sex with him, and just maybe, the foundering fathers will whisper Ryan's church should become the state church.  There some thoughts, according to people like Ben Sasse, that the fall off in church going has strip a layer of "connection and social relationships" from our communities.  While I'm increasingly agreeing with Sasse' position as defined in "Them"  , I won't advocate for a return of sky guy community as a solution to American social ills.
Nobody's Sweetheart Added Jan 12, 2019 - 2:24pm
WTF is with the deletions? AC must be madder at me than I thought. Somebody else must be pissing her off for messing with her favorite Mess. I gotta ask...when's the wedding? I guess I'll start using AM as an abbreviation, which is unfortunate, because whenever I think of those two letters, Ass of Mussolini springs to mind for some reason, lol. Speaking of deletions, goodbye, Rev, I love giving people doses of their own medicine, lol.
Dino Manalis Added Jan 12, 2019 - 2:33pm
 Parents should teach their children about sex before they watch any porn movies or experiment with sex themselves.
Leroy Added Jan 12, 2019 - 2:43pm
"The traditional American approach is that you HAVE to go to church, or you are prematurely doomed to Hell."
 
My aunt asked me if I went to church every Sunday.  I said, "No".  She said, "You're going to hell."  I cited the Billy Joel lyric, "I would rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints."  She replied, "You're going straight to hell."  I didn't know that there was a non-stop option.  I figure that I am better off if I can skip purgatory.
Nobody's Sweetheart Added Jan 12, 2019 - 2:53pm
My aunt asked me if I went to church every Sunday.  I said, "No".  She said, "You're going to hell."
 
That's among the many things I LOVE about cross-worshippers. Unless you worship THE ORIGINAL Charles Manson, you're condemned. Once again, I have to break out some of my favorite quotes about religion:
 
"I have no faith in Faith, and don't believe in Beliefs."
Neal Peart
 
"The religious persecution of the ages has been done under what was claimed to be the command of God. I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do to their fellows, because it always coincides with their own desires."
Susan B. Anthony
 
"One's religion is whatever he is most interested in."
J.M. Barrie
 
"Religion is the most malevolent of all mind viruses."
Arthur C. Clarke
 
"Die Irreligiösen sind religiöser als sie selbst wissen, und die Religiösen sind's weniger, als sie meinen."
Translation: "The irreligious are more religious than they themselves know, and the religious are less so than they think."
Franz Grillparzer
 
"The cosmos is a gigantic fly-wheel making 10,000 revolutions a minute. Man is a sick fly taking a dizzy ride on it. Religion is the theory that the wheel was designed and set spinning to give him a ride."
H.L. Mencken
Jeff Michka Added Jan 12, 2019 - 4:57pm
Actually, Bug, living in Sri Lanka may have given Clarke insights to the damage religions can do,must have and how religious hatreds can lead to "the death of Paradise."  Tamils versus Hindu was probably Clarke's view, up close.  What a waste.
Nobody's Sweetheart Added Jan 13, 2019 - 10:46am
I like how bible-boy butt-boffer and his lubricated minions are banging AC's door down to squeal on me...everything is transpiring pretty much as I foresaw, lol. The same assholes refer to other such people as "snowflakes"...may the blizzard begin, fags! LOOOL
Nobody's Sweetheart Added Jan 13, 2019 - 11:10am
Thanks Mohammed, I will. Gawd, you're a fucking moron! Go fuck some sheep, Fatima.
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 13, 2019 - 12:22pm
I offered them all a sensible solution to this problem, but nobody jumped at it. So now we get your campaign, Adolf. You know you should stick with that name too. It works for ya. Adolf. Ahhh-dollf! Yeah, definitely works for ya. 
 
Maybe.....Jesus Adolf Gandhi Superstar? You know what Hitler and Gandhi had in common? Both lived in places with millions of walking skeletons. There is your tasteless joke for the day. You're welcome!
Nobody's Sweetheart Added Jan 13, 2019 - 12:44pm
Fuck Gandhi! I fucking HATE people from Indjuh. Good joke, I don't recall ever hearing that one, lol. Speaking of jokes, here's one for you:
 
Hast du von dem neuen Opel für Israel gehört? Die Schaltung ist wie ein Hakenkreuz geformt und es gibt keinen Auspuff.
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 13, 2019 - 1:04pm
Ausgezeichnet!
Nobody's Sweetheart Added Jan 13, 2019 - 2:16pm
Danke!