Digital Tavern: Twisted Trysts and Tales from a 17-year old

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I gotta hand it to Opher and Stone! For once, a topic is introduced that transcends just about anything and everything on this planet - adolescence! Just about everyone is in agreement that being a teenager generally sucks; however, life in general sucks a gigantic, rainbow-hued ass, so why complain? For me, and many other teenagers out there past, present, and future, there is usually one, single, overpowering thing that guides each and every move....FUCKING!


The bad part about fucking is that it usually takes two to, well, FUCK, but teenagers are at a special disadvantage because they're mostly like dogs chasing a car; once you catch it, if you even do, what to do with it? I still laugh to this day whenever I catch a glimpse of unbridled, unrequited, and infinitely worse, un-deposited and frustrated youthful cum-slinging males and/or cum-hungry females. Don't worry youngsters, you'll catch up real, real soon!


Anyway, here are some of the tragicomic standouts of the summer of my 17th year that usually didn’t result in me engaging in ever-elusive sex:


The Stripper

Some (over 21) buddies decided to take me to a local strip joint. One of them suggested that I wear my ROTC uniform (from the previous year), because military dudes were frequent customers and they probably wouldn’t bother carding me. I put it on, and off we went. Sure enough, we were waved in without a fuss. After having a couple of beers, a particularly acrobatic stripper got on stage. She was a hot red head, and she did a headstand, spread her legs as wide as she could, turned, walked on her hands, and then put her crotch in my face. She clearly liked a man in uniform. A dollar bill on each side of her g-string got me a face full of boobs. It was going well until another stripper on the other stage got a pool cue up her ass from a drunken Mexican asshole, which resulted in pandemonium and me not getting any further with the stripper. Whenever I hear the XTC song “Helicopter”, I think of her and those rotor-like legs.


The MILF Cougar

In a neighboring town, one of my buddies and I wound up at a large house party. There were dozens of people there, several kegs, a lame-ass hippy acoustic band playing inside while a band playing very good Rock and Roll covers was outside. It was definitely a target-rich environment, and I was scoping something out when suddenly a very attractive and petite brunette appeared out of nowhere, introduced herself, and immediately took a liking to me. She was obviously much older than me, but she was hot as fuck, so I didn’t care one bit. After several minutes, she asked me to accompany her to the bathroom, which I did. Not knowing what to expect, I was surprised to see her retrieve a large amber jar from her purse, which was filled to the brim with high-grade cocaine. After doing a couple of pencil-sized lines, we sat for a moment and then spontaneously started making out. The line to the bathroom started to become restless, so we exited and went back to the party for a little bit. Much intermittent kissing compelled us to find some privacy, but where? I know…the car! I had just started getting to third base when all of the sudden, my drunken buddy, panting and clearly obliterated out of his mind, flopped along the side of the car and fell on his face. Shortly after that, the cops showed up in force to break up the party. Mrs. Coke Jar re-set her wardrobe and vanished into thin air, leaving me horny as fuck and also trying to make good my escape, with my wasted buddy in tow. This story has two post-scripts. The MILF turned out to be the mother of a bitchy girl I went to school with; I couldn’t resist giving her a smile like Otter did to Dean Wormer in Animal House. The other one was a subpoena to appear as a defense witness for someone else who attended the party. That’s been kind of a standard ever since; you know you went to a hell of a party when you eventually have to testify under oath in open court for something that went down that night.


The Big-Titted Acid Chick

 While attending another house party, I met a big-titted Italian chick, and we got really friendly, really fast. The main “course” at this party was a large punch bowl of something along the lines of a giant 500-octane Long Island Iced Tea, which some charitable soul (who remains mysterious to this day) slipped a considerable quantity of LSD into. As I was beginning to mack on Ms. Italy, I felt a strange yet good feeling which she also began to feel; word starting to get around that the punch had a “secret sauce”. OK then! While continuing to explore Ms. Italy’s ample terrain features, I felt something hit my head. I turned, looked, and saw in slow motion an orange, which proceeded to make a direct hit on my forehead. Another girl there who apparently disapproved of our amorous activities launched a fruity assault on us, but by then we were too fried to care. We made our way to a bedroom, but I was LAUGHING too much! She was horny as hell, but I couldn’t stop laughing and giggling! Finally, around dusk, I settled down enough to do the dirty deed….but still kind of giggling.


This is getting kind of long. For those interested in some more of my twisted teenage tales, I also have:


The Only Job I Was Ever Fired From


The Punk Chick and the Cinematographer's Wife


My First Thermonuclear Blow Job


Mustafa Kemal Added Sep 13, 2018 - 10:38pm
Im a little worried that this'll bring the child back
Nobody's Sweetheart Added Sep 13, 2018 - 10:53pm
@ Mustafa - Huh? What child?
Ric Wells Added Sep 13, 2018 - 10:55pm
Thanks for sharing the trials and tribulations of what was most important on just about every guts mind at that age. Welcome to the Digital Tavern.
Nobody's Sweetheart Added Sep 13, 2018 - 11:00pm
@ Ric - You're most welcome, and thank you! I never realized just how eventful my 17th year was...for better or for worse, lol.
Jeffry Gilbert Added Sep 13, 2018 - 11:41pm
Love it! Pure unadulterated Michael B.
My First Thermonuclear Blow Job promises to garner much attention.
Jeffry Gilbert Added Sep 13, 2018 - 11:41pm
Love it! Pure unadulterated Michael B.
My First Thermonuclear Blow Job promises to garner much attention.
Nobody's Sweetheart Added Sep 14, 2018 - 12:01am
@ Captain Gilbert - Jeffry, my main man! As usual, I'm always pleased to have amused and elicited comment from a dude of your considerable caliber!
Mustafa Kemal Added Sep 14, 2018 - 12:48am
Michael B. 
:" What child?" the child whose name should not be mentioned;
Funny, I dont like reading or watching porn so I resisted reading your post for some time. But it was actually quite good. Maybe I have to get used to your scare tactics. On the other hand, I promise I will read 
about your First Thermonuclear Blow Job, 
If only Stan Ulam was alive today to find out what he is responsible for, LOL.
Flying Junior Added Sep 14, 2018 - 3:01am
Too bad the story about the milf didn't turn out like the one about the Italian chick.
Stone-Eater Added Sep 14, 2018 - 4:07am
Back in 1975 we had plenty nude swimming .... and a blow job while diving took a loong time. Try to stay in place being completely under water and trying to keep a hard-on while gasping for air :)
Jeffry Gilbert Added Sep 14, 2018 - 5:11am
For the life of me I can't see a downside to a blow job taking a long time. 
The Burghal Hidage Added Sep 14, 2018 - 6:24am
I heartily endorse large breasted women of Italian heritage on acid. 
Stone-Eater Added Sep 14, 2018 - 6:27am
Try it in 18° degree cold water ;)
The Burghal Hidage Added Sep 14, 2018 - 6:29am
A girl needs to be possessed of an extraordinary talent to overcome that!
Jeffry Gilbert Added Sep 14, 2018 - 7:11am
Try it in 18° degree cold water ;)
No thanks. 
Jeffry Gilbert Added Sep 14, 2018 - 7:12am
A girl needs to be possessed of an extraordinary talent to overcome that!
Understatement of the month. 
David Montaigne Added Sep 14, 2018 - 7:37am
Only took about a year for Writerbeat to go down this path
Stone-Eater Added Sep 14, 2018 - 8:14am
We're very sorry that we don't reach your nivo ;-)
Jeffry Gilbert Added Sep 14, 2018 - 8:44am
Only took about a year for Writerbeat to go down this path
I've been here several years with this and a previous user name  and this sort of thing pops up from time to time. 
Nice thing about freedom is you don't have to read it or participate. Pretty cool idea isn't it? 
Mustafa Kemal Added Sep 14, 2018 - 8:55am
"Try it in 18° degree cold water "
Is that even possible?
Stone-Eater Added Sep 14, 2018 - 10:12am
Yep. When you're a masochist. But that's Katherine's domain :)
Mustafa Kemal Added Sep 14, 2018 - 10:20am
Stone Eater,
re:" But that's Katherine's domain"
would like to hear Katharines take on that.
Flying Junior Added Sep 14, 2018 - 9:38pm
Is there such a thing as a nose snorkel?
Nobody's Sweetheart Added Sep 15, 2018 - 12:13am
I never cared much for "wet" sex. The water dilutes all of those wonderful natural lubricants.
Nobody's Sweetheart Added Sep 15, 2018 - 12:19am
Although I must confess - a freshly cleansed vulva (in addition to the funky ones) is mathematically certain to get my tongue's undivided attention! My latest technique is called "The Magic Carpet". Like many things in life, it's all about efficient application of surface area. LOL
The Burghal Hidage Added Sep 15, 2018 - 11:52am
Ah Michael, God bless ye son. Yer mum raised ya right!
Your narrative inspires me to perhaps share the tale of my first (and to the best of my knowledge) only jewish conquest. I didn't know she was jewish at the time and not really old enough or experienced enough to know that it should make any difference. She was wet and willing, there was no other criteria. Prior to this my only fleeting knowledge of jewish women was the old joke: What's the difference between a jewish princess and a bowl of Jello? The Jello moves when you eat it.  I must say that my experience failed to deliver that stereotype. Maybe those other fellas we're just doing it wrong
Nobody's Sweetheart Added Sep 15, 2018 - 1:03pm
@ TBH - I've had several Jewish conquests, and have parted their red seas multiple times. Their stereotypes were more-or-less fulfilled, all of them seeming to live to swallow cum; insisting on it even! The experiences taught me to maintain a stock of fruit cocktail, pineapples, and See's Candies chocolate suckers. They appreciate the variety of flavors, lol.
The Burghal Hidage Added Sep 15, 2018 - 1:52pm
lucky you didn't get one of those avocado and celery fetishists 
Leroy Added Sep 15, 2018 - 1:55pm
Well done, Michael.  I hope the thermonuclear blowjob ended better than Charles Barkley's.  From the internet:
'Charles Barkley told Arizona cops that he ran a stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up a girl who had "given him a 'blow job' one week earlier," which the former NBA star described as "the best one he had ever had in his life." According to a Gilbert Police Department report, a copy of which you'll find here, police asked Barkley where he was going at the time of the 1:26 AM traffic stop in Scottsdale. "You want the truth? I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job," answered Barkley. 

A cooperative Barkley also joked with a civilian police employee that, "I'll tattoo your name on my ass" if it would get him out of the DUI charge.'
If I remember the story correctly, he inadvertently said he would tattoo his name on their ass.
Leroy Added Sep 15, 2018 - 6:04pm
I confess to having little experience with Jewish women.  I dated two that I know of, both interesting, neither intimate.   I was set up by a fraternity brother for a blind date.  I had no idea she was Jewish.  I had no idea my brother was Jewish.  Going up in the South, it just wasn't something you encountered much, although I had an uncle by marriage who was likely Jewish.  Being a Jew meant nothing special to me.  It still means nothing special to me.
My brother had a sense of humor.  She was about 4'7" and I am 6'4".  He thought it would be funny to see us together.  She was as busty as she was tall.  My smooth roommate asked if he might shag with her.  In one not so smooth move, he ripped a sandal off her foot.  I never let him forget that.  It was a fun but uneventful date.
The second one was called One Date Debbie.  She didn't waste her time.  Either you were the one she wanted to marry or she moved on to the next guy.  It was hard to figure her out.  She came on to me at a party.  I walked to the party with my neighbors across the way.  This drop dead gorgeous girl comes over to talk to me.  We were just talking when one of the girls I walked with to the party comes over and kicks the crap out of my shin bone.  She gave me her number.  I ran into her again that night in a bar and we danced.  I called her and arranged a date.  I arrived at her house.  She told me her parents weren't home.  She took me to her bedroom.  She talked about sunbathing naked in the backyard.  Seemed like she was encouraging me.  It felt creepy like I was being entrapped or something.  Maybe I was a fool.  I got the impression her father was somebody.  I declined to make my move.  She was the perfect date.  She knew just when to take my arm or hand.  She made every woman jealous and every man envious.  The eyes of every man followed her.   She was a perennial beauty queen contestant, never the queen often the runner-up.   But, alas, she lived up to her reputation as One Date Debbie.  I wasn't the one.
Jeffry Gilbert Added Sep 15, 2018 - 7:21pm
What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and a toilet? The toilet won't follow you around after you use it. 
James Travil Added Sep 15, 2018 - 9:15pm
Very good one Michael, lol! One of the best. If it's about good sex it gets points from me! 
Stone-Eater Added Sep 18, 2018 - 4:45pm
Here in Switzerland we only get orthodox Jews. No chance to meet them and besides that they don't look too appetizing...
Katharine Otto Added Sep 19, 2018 - 4:06pm
OK, here I am.  Stone and Mustafa, You're only a masochist if the water is 18 degrees Fahrenheit.  If it's 18 degrees Centigrade, you will probably adjust.
After reading most of your stories, I'm about to post my own, tamer reminiscence.  Can't say I would have wanted to attend the parties you have recounted so far.  I'm glad for the two-minute versions.
And, I have been to a strip club.  I just remember sagging breasts, but was interested in the dollar bills in the G-strings.  It looked like a good way to make some money.
Nobody's Sweetheart Added Sep 20, 2018 - 2:00pm
"I just remember sagging breasts, but was interested in the dollar bills in the G-strings.  It looked like a good way to make some money."
Saggie Maes are usually strictly forbidden in the places I've been to, lol. According to a former strip club proprietor I know, most of his strippers were single moms, followed by students. He helped a couple of lawyers and teachers through school, lol. The remainder were the expected smattering of whores and party girls, with occasional hookers, and at least one woman who went from being an interior designer to a stripper to a full-blown (pun intended) porn actress with a few months.