No Pun In Ten Did

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I entered ten puns into a contest once, thinking at least one of the puns would allow me to win some pointless points or other prize. No pun in ten did!


Many people are familiar with William Penn, but not many people are familiar with his two Aunts. Both Aunts were very famous for their pies ... so much so that they were invited to New York to share their culinary treats with the more influential members of the Colonial high set ... the new American Aristocracy if you will. Unfortunately, such was their competitive nature that they inevitably had to go their separate ways, each one setting up a shop on what is now Broadway. Each was intent on besting each other and this ultimately led to a war between the twain wherein they were actually selling the most wonderful pies ever to be had in New York City for far less than it cost to produce them. For years, all the people on Broadway could talk about was the Pie Rates of Penn's Aunts.


Let's see your best ... or worst puns for that matter. 


opher goodwin Added Nov 5, 2018 - 7:45am
Nice one. I'll put on my thinking cap. I've got a few stored away!
opher goodwin Added Nov 5, 2018 - 8:25am
Alf Rary was walking along one day and found a little furry creature. It was a new species. He took it home and named it after himself. He called it a rary. It grew enormous. Bigger than the house. And then bigger than the village. The government said it was a danger and had to be killed. They tried shooting it with no luck. In the end they told Alf that he'd have to get rid of it - to take it up a mountain and push it off.
So Alf sadly led his rary away and walked all the way to Tibet, climbed up Mount Everest and pushed his pet off the edge.
When he got home he was interviewed by the media. All he would say was that 'It was a long way to tip a rary'.
Ward Tipton Added Nov 5, 2018 - 8:50am
Are you just trying to get me to reminisce about that London Derriere? 
Neil Lock Added Nov 5, 2018 - 9:58am
I once injected the following into a discussion about the lack of freedom of speech on education campuses:
Q. What's the opposite of diversity?
A. University.
Ward Tipton Added Nov 5, 2018 - 10:18am
That makes congress the opposite of progress also yes?
But yours could indeed lead to a more Orwellian stance given the prevalence of universities to ban free speech these days ... along with other much more bizarre ... and often dangerous concepts. 
FacePalm Added Nov 5, 2018 - 11:28am
John was in the fertilized egg business.  He had several hundred young layers(hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.  This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.  Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report just by listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise, as well.

Clearly, old Butch was a politician in the making.  Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully this year, the bells are not always audible.
FacePalm Added Nov 5, 2018 - 11:35am
A man went to a psychiatrist.
"Doc," he pleaded, "You gotta help me!"
"Yes, yes," said the doc, Vaht zeems to be ze trubbles?"
"Well," he replied, "i keep having these dreams..."
"Yes, yes," replied the doc, "Vaht KIND uf dreams?"
"Well, first, i dream i'm a teepee; then, a wigwam;, then a teepee again, then a wigwam again, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam, back and forth, all night, it's driving me CRAZY, what's WRONG with me?"
The doc replied, "Ordinarily, a problem like yours vould take many yearss of diagnozis und treatment, but luckily, i know eggzackly vaht ze trubble is - you are too tense!"(two tents)
Lindsay Wheeler Added Nov 5, 2018 - 6:18pm
Gave this a "Like", not for the original post---but for all the good comments!
Two American women were touring Australia when they stopped at a restaurant in little town called Mercy. Unknown to them, Mercy was known for its trained Koala bears, who would pick the tea themselves. The two women, still ignorant of this, ordered tea, and when it was served to them, they noticed that the leaves were still in the water. One of the women said to the waitress, "Pardon me, but this tea hasn't been strained". The waitress answered back, "Why madam, the Koala tea of Mercy is never strained". Harrrrrr
Jeff Michka Added Nov 5, 2018 - 8:14pm
Think things around here have been PUNishing enough.
Koshersalaami Added Nov 5, 2018 - 9:20pm
Great. Another pundit.
Ward Tipton Added Nov 5, 2018 - 9:22pm
Face - It reminds me of a rather long joke about Little Johnny having to do a report about government ... and his dad explaining it to him, he not understanding, his baby brother filling his diapers ... I would have to dig it out ... and too tense? I had a friend one time, he drank so much tea that his wife claimed he was a native American because he always woke up in his own tea pee.
Seems you got Michael hooked on the tea too ... though I thought they enjoyed a different kind of tea in California ... though I doubt one should expect much mercy there. 
Ward Tipton Added Nov 5, 2018 - 10:03pm
Do we really want the four hundred and third article on AGW going on so we can all just copy and paste our comments on all the different articles that all boil down the same? 
I am sure we will be back to the same old farce about which jackboot is better after the mid terms. I figured a distraction, no matter how minor, was in order before then. 
Koshersalaami Added Nov 5, 2018 - 10:08pm
FacePalm Added Nov 5, 2018 - 10:42pm
Well, Ward-
"If at first you don't succeed...
Skydiving is not the hobby for you."
@ Ward - Would you like some cheese with that whine? lol
Ward Tipton Added Nov 5, 2018 - 11:42pm
I do not whine, I bitch ... and when I go full bitch ... well, it tends to get physical ... now that should give you enough nightmare visions of elton john and olivia newton john to get you through the morning ... if you are into music as much as I am LOL
Ward Tipton Added Nov 5, 2018 - 11:43pm
I do not believe that either jackboot crushing my throat is a good thing. While I am not as inflexible as some here, I have great and just cause for my distrust of the government ... 
@ Ward - When you go full bitch, you stop being a bitch and become a butch. Speaking of bitches, I remember a certain woman complaining about another woman, and I thought, "Wow! I'm listening to a bitch bitching about what a bitch another bitch is." What to's a bitch!
On that note, there's a town in Austria named Fucking, and a town in France named Bitsch. Do the math, lol.
FacePalm Added Nov 6, 2018 - 1:11am
Anyone remember what they got for Christmas last year?
All i got was a sweater.
What i REALLY wanted was, like, a moaner or a screamer.
Everyone remembers Albert Einstein as a great scientific genius, but hardly anyone remembers his brother Frank...
...he was a real monster.
Ward Tipton Added Nov 6, 2018 - 1:28am
Albert Einstein had more than his share of moaners and screamers I have heard. 
FacePalm Added Nov 6, 2018 - 1:46am
That would surprise me.
Ok, maybe another one:
(i love plays on words.)
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat in the well air-conditioned examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.
When the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what's the beer for?"
At that instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse! I said I wanted a BUTT light!"
Koshersalaami Added Nov 6, 2018 - 6:59am
Of Coors he did
FacePalm Added Nov 6, 2018 - 8:02am
Well, lets see what else i can pull from ye olde memory banks - or is that mammary banks?
Not long ago, Larry Laprise, the author of “The Hokey-Pokey,” passed away; the funeral home was called, the body was taken to the morgue, then embalmed.  Once he was re-dressed, they brought the casket over to the table so as to transfer the body.
They put the left leg in, and well…that’s when the trouble started…
FacePalm Added Nov 6, 2018 - 8:05am
3 enormously large women are sitting on bar stools at a pub, chatting up a storm.  A man overhears their conversation, and asks, “Ladies, I couldn’t help but notice that you have rather unusual accents for America; are you from Ireland?”  One of the women rudely replies, “It’s Wales, you idiot!  Wales!”  “Oh, I’m sorry, the man replies, “Are you 3 whales from Ireland?”
That’s the last thing he remembered before waking up in the ambulance…
Koshersalaami Added Nov 6, 2018 - 8:31am
I suppose I could get snippy and ask what Olivia Newton-John and Elton John have to do with music, but I actually like some of their work. 
I heard a rumor that Olivia has a brother named Araguay. 
FacePalm Added Nov 6, 2018 - 10:33am
But i heard his nickname is "Fig."
A young British girl - 15 - got pregnant, and delivered a pair of twin boys; unable to care for them, she put them up for adoption.  Unfortunately, no one wanted them both.  A couple from Syria took one & named him Amal, and a couple from Spain took the other, and named him Juan.
Many years later, the young Brit married, but she never forgot about her twins; with the advent of the internet, she was able to track down both sets of adoptive parents, and eventually convinced - maybe blackmailed - her husband into taking her to Spain on holiday to meet one of her sons.
Once the visit was complete, she put the screws to her husband to convince him to book a flight to Syria.
He said, "Honey, they're identical twins, right?
She answered, "You KNOW they are!"
"Well, then," he replied, "If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Jeff Michka Added Nov 6, 2018 - 6:00pm
Koshersalaami Added Nov 6, 2018 - 8:18pm
Yup. They’d be of the South American Newton-Johns. 
FacePalm Added Nov 8, 2018 - 10:12pm
A bear ambled into a beer joint in Baltimore, bellied his way up to the bar, and ordered a beer.
"Sorry," the bartender said, "It's against the law to sell beer to bears in Baltimore; i could lose my liquor license!"
"Oh, yeah?" said the bear, and with one massive swipe of his clawed paw, ripped out a huge section of the bar.
Then he said, "NOW, will you get me a beer?"
"Sorry," the barkeep replied, "It's against the law to sell beer to bears in Baltimore; i could lose my license!"
"Really?" said the bear.  He then eyed a woman at the other end of the bar, went down there, then bit her head clean off.  Chewing thoughtfully, he made his way back to his original seat.  "Now," said the bear, blood, bones and guts dripping from it's jaws, "NOW will you get me my beer?"
"I can't!" said the bartender.  "It's against the law to sell beer to bears in Baltimore!  I could lose my liquor license!  Besides, i won't need to worry about you anymore in a few minutes.  You'll be going to sleep."
The bear replied "What?  What are you talking about?"
The bartender replied, "Look - that was a bar bitch you ate."
Koshersalaami Added Nov 9, 2018 - 1:41pm
Now that was seriously elaborate. Is that yours or are you quoting it?
FacePalm Added Nov 9, 2018 - 6:26pm
i told it for several years differently, but then heard a superior version from an acquaintance of mine, and immediately updated my inferior version to his...and wrote it from memory when it was put up.  Repetition has always improved my recall(what's left of it).  Same way i learn a song, btw.
But i love the play on barbiturate; almost always gets a big laugh...even though, in truth, it's a groaner (especially if told poorly).  Most puns are, from my experience.   i have worse ones - WAY worse.  May tell one that came in second in the world's worst joke contest in a day or three.
Koshersalaami Added Nov 10, 2018 - 12:57am
By the way, I assume all the pun fans here know about the Car Talk credits. That’s the best, and biggest (but not best because biggest) collection I’ve ever seen. 
FacePalm Added Nov 10, 2018 - 3:53am
Most puns are groaners; some CAN be funny depending on how they're told.  Never heard of the website you mention, but may look it up at some point.  There could be a rare gem in there somewhere.
i don't know if the following could be properly termed a pun or not, but i always thought it was funny:
"I have a sad story for you today; once upon a time, a child was born with no legs.  No arms, either.  Not even a body.  Just a head.  After a few months in the hospital, the parents were able to take their baby head home, and they'd feed it and put it to bed; occasionally, on sunny days, they'd put it on the windowsill so it could see all the children outside, playing.  Every night after the head learned to speak, it would pray to God that one day, it would have a body.
Many years passed, but on the morning of the head's 18th birthday, it awakened with a body!  It was overjoyed!  It leapt out of bed, threw open the door, ran down the hall, slammed the front door open, ran down the sidewalk into the street...
Where it was run down by a passing truck and killed.
So the moral of the story is...
Better to quit while you're a head."
(an alternate version has the parents promising a special gift for it's birthday, whereupon the head says, "Ok, just as long as it's not another fucking HAT!")
Koshersalaami Added Nov 10, 2018 - 3:09pm
From the Car Talk show on NPR
Bill Added Nov 28, 2018 - 4:39pm
Plot Hatched.  Evil Scheme Becomes Apparent.