Sorry..I could not pass this one up..this is a Banksy piece of art I think in London.
During the past week, we have heard about Domestic Abuse and seen it blown off by the White House and its not their fault, they didn’t take the time to understand. Actually, I am getting to the point where I ask the people I know.."why are you so surprised, Ive been telling you these things for years?" Not all men are like that, but they are, by society, raised to be this way to fit in. Aggressive and forceful, instead of understanding and supportive. Ive never understood that because you really can do both. Not all men are abusive and not all women are victims. But before the conversation begins, it should be understood.
People always think if you are strong you just “walk away”. It is a huge misconception that only the weak are abused. What the reality is, is that one person has good intentions and the other for whatever reasons does not. It takes an extraordinary person to survive abuse, particularly that of a parent or spouse.
Aside from rape which is a felonious crime and entirely different form of abuse on so many levels, Domestic Abuse is at its core insidious. The same rage, power and control but over time so equal but different. Insidious is the perfect word for domestic abuse..slow and subtle with intended harmful impact.
By this I mean that gradually “victim” is meant to feel it is their fault they are being abused, they did something wrong to anger the abuser. No matter how much the victim does to “fix” things, the abuser always finds something else “wrong” so the punishment can continue. Perhaps for a time, the anger subsides and things seem normal, the tension is always there.
How do strong women get in this place? Like rape this is not a crime of what it appears. Rape is NOT a crime of sexual intent it is one of power. Also too is Domestic abuse, which also often includes sexual abuse to some degree, along with the physical and mental abuse.
It depends on how invested you are in the relationship when the first incident occurs, but the first time and usually after that for a time, “it was a mistake”, “an accident”, “something I would never do intentionally”, “Because I love you”. Because this is what women seek, they forgive. At first, no one knows about this and right after being hit, there is a period of enormous domestic bliss. Some people call it the “honeymoon phase”. The victim always has some hope early on.
In the meantime, as these thing occur over time, the victims self -esteem is torn down, just a bit at a time. But only brought up by the abuser’s approval. Sometimes this is the only form of abuse in the relationship and nothing physically abusive occurs. It is just as damaging because this is the part from which victims spend years to recover from.
There are often children involved, shared finances, and often the victim does not realize how serious this is because the relationship in public is normalized and seems so perfect. The one or two people that might know something want the victim to just leave, endangering them and people around them.
Once the victim finally realizes that this is a problem and figures a way out, this is when it gets dangerous for them. The average victim leaves 7 times before it finally sticks, each time the abuse getting worse. It is very hard to break the cycle of control. So they finally break the cycle and begin to breathe away from the abuse, can they ? No..a victim is 70 times more likely to be killed in the first few weeks after leaving an abusive relationship, than at any time during the relationship. Of the women (and children) with prior domestic abuse claims that were murdered in 2017, 55% were killed by “former” partners. It is reported up to 75% of those homicides occur at the point of separation, and 70 % of those are women.(CDC)
After they leave however, they gain a strength and knowledge, they are no longer a victim. They are survivors.
Now I put off writing this because I get so much flack on here from some of the guys, its easy to see why from some of them. Some not so easy. Sometimes its very unexpected. Its happened once before today and I stepped away from the site. I allowed someone to intimidate me into leaving the page, with words. Because I chose not to be treated badly. Its not abuse..just intimidation, control, something like words can be used to hurt by the right person who likes that sort of thing. They say anything to you until they say the “right thing”. Then they manipulate you with it. When one thing causes another pain with intention. It is abuse.
Everyone does it..like it’s a game. Except its not. It happens to men as well as women.
Sometimes you cant just hide behind not wanting to be treated badly. You actually have to stand up for yourself. I don’t like battles, Ive had a few and they were not pleasant, things never end well. But you do what you need to do for your kids and get through the years “after”.
Now I had someone say to me that I was an old bag or whatever..and that I hurt all of the men around me. I had to step back from that. I don’t give a shit what any idiot thinks of me..but my family is different.
I am a strong person, yes. Im not a victim, not now and hopefully not ever again. I work with people to make them survivors like myself. However to be in my life, you must be strong, because you have my family and people that interact with the public and sometimes things happen. I grew up around military people and those that do for others. You have to give of yourself and you have to have your own thing as well. You must be your own person and yet, be part of a team. Yeah, all your insult today did was make me appreciate the decent people in my life. Sure Ive had my battles in life because people hurt me when I was a kid and as I got older I never under stood it was a pattern. But Im over that now. I see weakness for what it is..
You are the weak one because you enjoy hurting others, it makes you feel big. You don’t speak your mind, at all, you take the words of others and turn it against them. No different than the abusers that kill their victims. The mindset is the same, just the actions differ. Slightly higher level of control. Congrats. You will never hurt me..just make me mad.
Thanks for today though, you gave me the motivation I needed to finish my article from last week and that was good.
For anyone out there who might see this..
To any women/men out there being abused…he will try to kill you, in every way he can, kids, money your physical being. You must think clearly and find a way out. Far away if possible. Seek counseling immediately, you are not strong enough on your own. If it is an emergency, seek out House of Ruth or local womans shelter. Its not always the best situation and you will want to rush home, but don’t, LISTEN TO THEM. It might save your life. I know that single 3 day stay at a House of Ruth changed the trajectory of my life. Whatever you think you did wrong, you most likely didn’t, and even if you robbed a bank, you don’t deserve to be beaten for it. We have laws for those things, eventually for him also, just not right away. Safety first. Do what you need to, but get out, while its still an option and you aren’t a statistic.